I was one once

I was one once

Today I am one year old. WHAT?! Pretend I wrote this on my actual birthday and not two weeks late. Pulling all the dishtowels out of the kitchen drawers is a huge distraction. You should try it sometime.

2017-09-25 Sophie cake park [11]I have six teeth and I like to use them to bite my mom, and whatever you happen to be eating. However, I’ve shown surprising restraint when handling books. I don’t eat the corners, or chew them into pieces the way Someone Else I Know used to. Instead, I sit quietly, turning the pages like a normal person, while pretending to read. When I’m not fake reading, I’m pulling the books off the shelves. It should be an Olympic event. I would win every time.

I walk, when I want to. BUT walking is overrated. Crawling is easier and faster. Besides, all I have to do is scoot over to the closest adult, raise my arms, say—“Excuse me, you’re not holding anything and it’s already been two minutes since you put me down in the other room and I just really need to be up there to see what you’re doing and if it involves food that I can eat and can I have some right now please?”—but instead all that comes out is, “edah!” and they pick me up anyway. Mobility problems solved.

I like to get ready with Mom in the morning. We go into the bathroom and she puts on contact lenses while I open Stella’s jewelry drawer and put on all her necklaces.

I love breakfast. I eat it 2 or 3 times a day. First oatmeal. Then pancakes or eggs or toast or muffins or bites from Dad’s cereal bowl or whatever Mom has just made for herself. She sits down to eat and I mosey over and open my mouth. A few bites later, I’ve polished off her whole bagel. It’s a good life.

Laundry and zippers might be my favorite things. I love laundry. Dad folds shirts and pants into neat piles, and when he turns around, I unfold everything and put the underwear on my head. I can’t resist. Those little sock bundles rolled into colorful balls are just asking to be carried off and hidden somewhere in the house. And zippers? Stella has a box of purses that she forgets about—but only until I want to play with them. I can sit for five whole minutes zipping and unzipping zippers whenever I want. My favorite is the unicorn fanny pack because it has two zippers. And because Stella stuffs it with random paraphernalia—Legos, spoons, rocks, plastic food, real food, acorns, pairs of mismatched socks, the Tylenol syringe she smuggled from the bathroom cabinet when she was supposed to be using the potty… You never know what I’ll find in that fanny pack.

Overall, I’m a good peanut. But even I have my limits. Even so, there are only a few things I won’t stand for: brushing teeth, taking pictures, eating beets, sitting in the grass, birthday candles, being handed to a stranger (unless stranger has food), getting my diaper changed, being mistaken for a chair when Stella needs to sit on something, hairclips, being handed to Dad when Mom is standing right next to him empty handed (unless Dad has food), sitting down in church, putting toys away, wearing dresses…

I weigh 20 pounds. No thank you, I do not need to go on a diet.

Mom and Dad are wondering how I’ve managed to survive Stella’s weekly accidental attempts to step on me or smoosh me into the carpet, but I’m still here.

And now, for the cake pictures. I tried to tell Mom that multiple photoshoots were unnecessary. But nobody listens to me, I’m just a baby.

2017-09-25 Sophie cake park [4]2017-09-25 Sophie cake park [5]2017-09-25 Sophie cake park [3]



Scene: Stella like checking in regularly with Mom and Dad when she thinks something might be wrong. She’s started to ask, “Are you happy?”

Stella: “Dad are you happy?”

Dad: “Yes, I’m happy. I just don’t like it much when you don’t listen to me.”

Stella: “Dad, I’m listening to you.:

Dad: “Thank you punkin’.”


Scene: Stella has been having a bit of a rough time at school. Some of the other kids have punched her or said mean things. She has great teachers that have handled it well. Earlier in the week Stella told Dad that she didn’t want to go to school. After she went, things were better. This weekend there was the following exchange during bath time.

Stella: “Sometimes I really don’t like it when my friends hit me…and don’t protect me.”

Dad: “I know babe. I’m sorry. Come here.” [Proceeds to give lots of hugs and kisses.]




Scene: Dad sits down to assemble Stella’s new carseat. This is attempt # 26, due to one interruption after another. Stella is just a little bit too excited, and grabby, and jumpy, climbing on Dad and the seat, shouting gibberish in his ears while he tries to decipher the user’s manual (printed in size 7 font) etc…

Dad: “Please! Don’t talk to me right now. Go over there and play quietly until I’m done. I really need to finish this!”

Stella: [Pauses. Shuffles away. Looks up sadly]. “But I just want to talk to you because I love you, Daddy.”

Dad: [Feels bad and gives her hugs. And candy.] ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stella: “I have ideas, Mommy!”

Mom: “I’m sure you do. What ideas do you have?”

Stella: [silence] ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stella: [runs into the room and announces, with a flourish] “Mommy, I just parted the Red Sea like Moses!”

Mom: “Ok. Did you tell your dad?” ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene: summarizing from the Book of Mormon, about Nephi and his family sailing on the ship to the promised land. Laman and Lemuel are rebelling again and tie up Nephi, promising that they’re going to get rid of him for good this time.

Mom: “And Laman and Lemuel tied up Nephi and said they were going to get rid of him. They wanted to throw him in the sea…”

Stella: “So the sharks and crabs could eat him?” ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene: 7:45 am. Dad is getting ready for work. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door.

Stella: “DAAAAAD! You can’t just leave me out here!”  ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene: walking to school with Mom one morning

Stella: “Don’t forget to miss me!”



Scene: Stella and Jesse were sharing some frozen yogurt from Yogurtland:

Stella: DAAAADDD! You can’t just take my stuff! [Sharing to Stella still means other people give their stuff to her.]

Mom: Stella. Say thanks to dad for the date.

Stella: [As she tries to drink her water.] Thanks dad. [In a muffled, gurgly sound.]


Scene: Talking with Stella about where food comes from.

Mom: Where do bananas come from?

Stella: Trees!

Mom: Where do grapes come from?

Stella:…Nome, Alaska!



Scene: We’ve been teaching Stella about Joseph in Egypt.

Stella: I’m gonna get rid of Sophie in a pit like Joseph. And Mommy’s gonna be really, really sad.


Jesse: Did you see that I got a haircut? Do you like it?

Stella: You look like a dinosaur with glasses.

She said WHAT? 8/14-8/20 2017

She said WHAT? 8/14-8/20 2017

Cheap Trick: Mommy’s all right; Daddy’s all right; They just seem a little weird (Surrender)

Stella: Mommy’s all right; Sophie’s all right; Stella’s all right…They all seem a little weird…

Dad: Who is the most weird Stella?

Stella: All of us daddy.


Dad: Stella. Keep your feet off the table, it’s not lady like.

Stella: I’m not a lady, daddy! I’m a person. ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stella: Don’t touch me Daddy! I’m fragile! ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene: in the parking lot of Yogurt Land, after our first visit to get frozen yogurt, Stella refuses to get in her carseat…

Mom: Stella, if you don’t get in your seat right now, we won’t come back here again.

Stella: But if I don’t get ice cream, I will surely die.

We’ve been reading Rapunzel, in which the wife claims she will surely die if she doesn’t get any rampion… ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stella: Mommy, are you happy?

Mom: No, I’m not happy, because you’re not listening to me.

Stella: Eat some ice cream, and you’ll feel better! ____________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene: while exiting the mothers’ room at church, Stella grabs a handful of complimentary tampons on her way out the door…

Stella: Hey, what are these?

Mom: Stop! Put those back, they aren’t for you. Those are for mommies.

Stella: I’ll get bigger and bigger and bigger and THEN I’ll use those…